FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE FROM THE GENERAL
POLITBURO OF THE DEMOCRATIC PEOPLE’S REPUBLIC OF KOREA (DPRK)
The Workers Party of the Democratic People’s Republic
of Korea has kindly hijacked the review of the Najin-class superfrigate
to ensure that this review is fair and balanced. We shall undertake every
effort to dispel the lies of imperialist puppets who minimize the people’s
will by slandering such a magnificent vessel.
The Najin-class were conceived by our Eternal President
Kim Il-Sung in one of his many moments of unequal genius, expanding and
improving on the Kilo-class frigates while snacking on Borscht during a
visit to our Soviet Allies. Their design so impressed the Russians that
they immediately scrapped the Kilos, begging our Dear Leader for copies
of his mighty vessel. In the tradition of great strategists like Tsar Nicholas
Romanov II, our Supreme Leader refused. Such power could only reside in
the wise hands of the persistent peace policy of the true Korean government.
We shall admit to you colonialists that there are
two of our magnificent frigates in service: the F-531 and F-591. Both are
fully modern war machines, featuring cutting edge Soviet CIWS guns and
even onboard vegetable gardens for our most healthy crew. Do not believe
the lies from American dogs who claim this was simply because our great
nation was experiencing a famine. This is a lie. We shall speak of this
no further.
I understand the misanthropy that you must feel,
dear ship builder, but there is more. These vessels are heavily armed with
a powerful battery of weapons that could not only annihilate any American
carrier, but likely the entire island of Guam. Have you seen an island
sink? You could. Uran missile launchers stand at the ready, flanking the
bridge. Ignore reports that their blast damage would endanger our sailors.
The Eternal President and his successors could never stand for harm to
come to their cherished people. We will speak of this no further. Our ships’
guns possess power and rage like your TIE fighters, only worse. Yes, we
know of these secret weapons from your “Wars in Space” documentaries. Also?
Unlike the lazy pigs of the east, our crews do not hide in enclosed gun
mounts; we face the elements with grace and a touch of occasional hypothermia.
Fear not; our DPRK sailors are resolute in the face of nature’s worst,
taking inspiration from the, how do you say, “Herculean” vigor of our Great
Leaders.
I shall close with this: there has yet to be a
vessel that has damaged, let alone sunk one of our prized Najins. Whether
it be the War of the Ring or Battle of Hogwarts, our navy has stood disciplined,
resolute, and deadly in the face of tyrants such as your GI Joe or Captain
America. They shall remain in service, ensuring that America’s path for
world domination shall never come to be.
THIS HAS BEEN A COMPLETELY TRUTHFUL AND TOTALLY
ACCURATE DISPATCH FROM YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD KOREAN POLITBURO |